On the practice of saying no (and asking generously)
This is a written excerpt of Rest & Recreation, a companion to Routines & Ruts conversations podcast. Each week, host Madeleine Dore shares reflections from previous interviews and interesting reads to offer you a moment of R&R. Listen on Apple iTunes, Spotify and others.
Words by Madeleine Dore
Something that can get in the way of us finding rest or having time for the things we want to do is not knowing how to say no.
I personally find it especially difficult to say no when my reason to decline is simply that I want some time for rest, or space in my schedule. It doesn’t feel justified to decline someone else simply because I want time to myself, or want to do nothing, or even tinker with a creative project.
It’s easier to say no to ourselves than other people.
While being quick to say yes can maybe help us avoid disappointing others, it can come at a cost. When we don’t know how to say no, we can wind up feeling resentful, overwhelmed, exhausted, and even jealous of others who can say no with ease.
So as someone who has felt these consequences of not saying no, I was drawn to a concept writer and critic Kylie Maslen introduced me to called spoon theory.
Popular among those experiencing chronic pain, spoon theory is way to create boundaries but also be generous with other people’s energy. As Kylie explained:
“The idea is that everyone has a certain number of spoons in their draw and as you go throughout the day you’ll use up those spoons in completing activities… so when you live with chronic pain in particular, you learn how to pace yourself and use your energy best in order to make the most of those spoons available.”
The community will speak with that shortcut of spoons, adds Kylie. “Often we will say things like, ‘Hey, I don’t have the spoons to go into this right now but I will get back to you when I do.’ Or even when we are asking someone something we will say, ‘When you have the spoons…’ and in saying something like that, it says we understand that we are not going to push someone into acting deciding really quickly.”
What really struck me about spoon theory is that it’s not only a helpful way to check in on your own capacity and provide a frame for saying no, but it also encourages generous requests.
So before I share a few things I’ve come across that might help with saying no, I think generously asking is an important point to consider. How are you asking things of other people? Could it be more generous or flexible? Could it consider their current circumstances? Could there be alternatives? Can you make space for a polite decline?
Perhaps by providing the option for others to say no, we can normalise saying no—and maybe all unwind from the busyness hamster wheel. Here are some approaches I’ve found helpful to frame saying no.
1. Practice starting small
Saying no is a practice so it can be helpful to start small. I generally find it a lot harder to say no to someone I’m close to, so it could be practicing with acquaintances, or emails from strangers.
2. Don’t say maybe when you want to say no
Sometimes a maybe is a legitimate maybe and that’s fine, but to spot a no masquerading as a maybe ask yourself if you’d say yes if it was tomorrow? You can also ask if you feel you need to say no out of guilt or fear.
3. Set a blanket no
For the all or nothing types like me, it can be easier to identify what it is that is contributing to that feeling of overwhelm or resentment and create a rule. When I first started freelancing, I was taking a lot of morning coffee meetings, which I soon found were robbing me of writing time when my mind is sharpest in the morning. I now have a blanket no to all morning coffee meetings. It can be easier to communicate to others a blanket no, or “I’m not adding anything new to my to do list until next year.”
4. Make a ‘no sandwich’
This approach to saying no is something I learned from Rachel Service, the CEO of the Happiness Concierge. A no sandwich is great because it helps explain the context so a no isn’t personal – the first step or layer of the sandwich s to validate the request, the second is to deflect by talking about the skillset, and the final is to refer someone else.
5. Wait on it
I have a tendency to rush into a yes to people-please, so I’m learning to take some time to sit with a request to determine if it’s a yes or a no.
Saying no a delicate and ongoing practice, but one I think can help us hear our own yes.... even if that’s just to have space to yes to my afternoon nap.
As Paulo Coelo reminds us, “When you say yes to others, make sure you are not saying no to yourself.”